Selfish or Unreasonable?

Here's where I have the "should-I-write-this-or-should-I-keep-it-in-my-head" struggle... But I am trying to embrace this space as a safe haven for my thoughts (albeit uncomfortably and certainly hesitantly) - all of them, whether they are well-thought-out or not - technically free-writing, I guess? So here's my dilemma as I see it now: I want to be with someone that I can get to know and learn about as much as possible (so that I can know and love them, completely, fully). The person I chose, sincerely wants me to be happy - but because he wants me to be happy so much, he tells me what he thinks I want to hear or what he thinks I want - not what **he's** really thinking/wanting. He does this because he doesn't want me to get upset.

But shouldn't I be allowed to get upset or be allowed to respond the way I will? Shouldn't he want to get to know what things will actually make me upset and what won't ruffle me the slightest? Otherwise, how will he truly know what will make me upset and what won't - aka how will he truly know me? He would walk on eggshells around me for the rest of his life in an attempt to make me happy, fairy-tailish as that sounds for me - but what kind of tedious life is that for him? How could he be okay with that and why would he think I would be okay with that? Can't he see that it's not just about my happiness (yes, he says the "if you're happy, then I'm happy" phrase), but that I really want *him* to be happy and comfortable with our life too?

The times I *have* gotten upset are when I find out he didn't tell me what he was really thinking/feeling at some point in the past and he tells me he thought that it would have upset me if he had told me at that time. In almost every instance (I truly, can't think of more than one instance in the last 7 years), if he had just told me what he really thought, I would have been okay and wouldn't have been upset at all. But because he didn't just tell me at the time, I get more upset when I finally find out (typically by accident, reluctant/drawn-out admission, or as part of a relavant discussion in which I ask pointed questions - never because he thought I just might like to know). We've been through this cycle so many times, that by now - he should know that I really just want him to be open and honest with me and that I'm *not* the type of person to just get upset over anything and everything (not that he thinks that, but I want to be able to show him the type of person that I am). So shouldn't I be evaluated based on how I respond to true feelings?

Am I being selfish or unreasonable? I would like to think neither, but I'm not sure what to think - all I know is that I want to know what he's really thinking and what he really wants. I can work with that. I don't want someone to just tell me what they think I want to hear - especially if I don't think they actually know what it is that I want to hear (based on past experiences)! I'm not sure I can work with what's not real...

Self-Fulfilling Prophecy?

I woke up this morning with a weird feeling - I didn't know what was wrong, hadn't gone to bed upset, I slept alright, got a full 8 hours... but there was something not quite right. It sort of made me feel like I do when I'm cranky, but there was a melancholy undertone (overtone?) to it. Got to work and was fine, but couldn't shake the feeling, and realized that it definitely wasn't crankiness - there was something else going on, but I kept trying to ignore it. Found out later that something had indeed happened during the day - that "something" and the subsequent "now-I-know-and-how-are-you-going-to-handle-it" conversation did not make me happy. It didn't make me angry either, just sad and unsure of what to do now. This is surprising, considering what it was - no, there was no infidelity, at least that I know of, but it still hurt since trust was put into doubt - again.

I could let it go, but could I? I mean, could I really let it go and not let it stew or build resentment? I know I can/could forgive, but can I truly forget? Do I just need time? Will more discussions help, or is this something I have to now figure out on my own?  If you've talked about an issue with the person for so many hours that you have to start measuring in days - how do you know when it's been enough and it's time to give it up already?

So was this a self-fulfilling prophecy? Or some coincidence-slash-bad-timing? Am I not willing to let it go because I was/am already feeling odd? Or because I'm tired of having the same conversation over and over again and not seeing anything change...

My Intention

I've never blogged before and I'm not sure if this is the best place for me, but I thought I would try it out... I need a place where I can get my thoughts down - all of them: good, bad, and uncertain... I don't want to be worried about it accidentally being found in a journal under the bed or on my computer in a file and the questions/explanations that would inevitably be asked for. I want a place where I can be honest with myself and not worry about accidentally hurting someone I care about who may not (or should not? maybe could not?) know how to understand what I write. I don't want to have to comfort someone else - this is a place for me, just me. Selfish? Sure, but I'm okay with that because everyone else in my "real" life has everything else of me. 

So my intention here is to have a place to get my thoughts down (aka ramble), and then sort through them to find myself. Not the "myself" that I want to be, or the "myself" that others want me to be - but the "myself" that I am - that is what I am hoping to find... And if you happened across this and want to throw in your two cents, please feel free - perhaps you've been in the same position(s) that I have been in and/or will be and can help, hurt, whatever - just be honest...